:||

Thoughts on repeat.
But if patterns prove the same
It’s all just on me. :|
Depression and hope intertwined
As I try to define
Are these fireflies? :|
An unrelated voice triggers a thousand memories. :|
That name pops up and it’s a punch to my gut.:|
But then I’m wrapped up in the arms of what ifs and maybe nows :|
So long ago (it felt) that I wrote you were “the only one”
Then I read it, “ah.” I laughed, “youth” I thought. :|
My mind is now drawn back looking for something it never really found.
But I found myself. :|
Will I lose her if I go back to finding you? :|
If I go back to this unrequited love for you? :|
Will I lose myself if I go back to loving you? :|

|: Fuck. I never stopped loving you. :||


Written August 2018

Search…

Everything is so much colder when the stars are out.
But everything’s so much clearer.
Everything is so much darker when clouds cover the night sky.
But everything’s so much warmer.

Is there some version of better that we are always searching for?
There are always pros and cons. This or thats. Rights and wrongs. 
The answers we search for controlling our lives.
The search. Controlling our lives.

Is there a perfect middle between the stars and clouds?
Is the search never ending?
Are we all in a never ending system of leveling up and down?
Is discovering this need to search enough to satisfy the need for searching?

Continual Concentric Circles

I can’t find my footing
The ground underneath me is
Slipping, moving around, No solid ground
Other than a constant thought in my head
Telling me that I can’t
Find my footing

Ground Underneath
Slipping Moving
No solid ground
Constant thought in my head
Telling me I can’t

Find footing
Ground
Slipping
Moving
No 
A thought
Telling me
I can’t
I can’t.

Written November 18 2018

Training Wheels

I watch as the tires spin.
I watch your face as you grin.
You ride away from me so fast.
Your new ideas seem rash.
But here I am left on the ground
Here I’m left. Not even a sound
Do I make
While you pedal and brake.
 
I choke on the dust
as I try to choke back the tears.
You left me back
I’m no longer of use after all of these years.
You found your freedom.
What’s left of me is gone.
I coalesce my feelings
Into a box called “healing.”
 
 
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Originally written 1-24-17
 
If you are interested in a musical version of the poem…

Trust Wall

I built this wall.
Brick by brick.
“Yes, yes” I say. “Yes, I trust you.”
Another brick.
Pain, hurt.
Trust is good, “Yes, I trust you”
Here is a brick.
Again? Why should I trust you!?
After what you did? After what you said?
See?! Here. Fine. Here is a brick of trust!
It becomes habit.
The wall grows higher.
The pain cuts deeper.
Then. It’s numb.
What is pain? Trust is pain. Pain is trust.
Trust is this stupid wall.
The wall that blocks me from the real you.
I say it’s trust, but now it’s self defense.
What should be a beautiful building?
A stupid wall.
“Walk around it!” you say.
“No” I reply. “I am trying to trust.”
But real trust is safety. Real trust is two sided.
Real trust builds a beautiful house.
Not an ugly wall.

So here I sit.
On my wall.
I want to see over it.
I want to see through it.
I want to see what you’ve become past my dusty wall.
But this “trust” built of bricks

blocks me from you
Under the pretense of helping.
Under the idea of giving you independence.
Under the thought you have a better plan.
But trust.
Trust is two.
Trust is an invitation not a fear of rejection.
Trust is where you see the beautiful.
Trust is a hope for the morning.
Trust is a beautiful house. A beautiful home.
Trust is not sorrowful or lonely.
Trust is meant to be beautiful.

I can’t take down these bricks, but you can help me.
I can’t undo the words, but we can undo the wall.
Bricks can be used a second time.
So won’t you build with me?

____________________________________________________________________________________________
Originally written June 12, 2016

Hope in the Dark

Darkness.
Night sky.
Eyelids flutter open.
Stars breathe.
Empty with darkness.
Full of stars.
A paradox above.
Inspires both light and dark.
Now,
here
we
go.
Above,
beyond,
understanding
hope.
What do we find beautiful in the night sky?
The deafening blackness?
The empty dark void?
The endless cold space?
No.
The warm beams of the moon.
The space filled with stars.
The sky singing with light.
The hope that shines in the dark.
It’s the light that shines through.
Hope.
Hope as seen by the stars.
As seen by what we believe is there.
It only takes a small bit to believe.
                                                                                                              H o l d  O n.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Originally Written November 18, 2016