Throwback to an intense season of depression.
Written by Winter Burnett November 13, 2016
Here I walk.
Alone in the moonlight.
My shadow my only comfort.
My shadow a twisted ugly version of myself.
My shadow the evidence that I’m alone.
This bench has so much room.
And I just need a shoulder to cry on.
Someone to bring along
On these suicidal night walks,
But that’s not how this works.
The path I can walk alone.
I say that’s fine.
But I lie.
Some can see through that,
But I don’t think I can see the truth anymore.
So my life’s now a lie.
I make rhymes
And I sit and I cry.
This poetry does not make any sense.
Like the rest of my emotions.
I was done with this,
But apparently not.
I’m still searching for love.
When I have enough.
So many lines written,
And not one mention of God.
That’s because we don’t talk.
Apart from emotional engagement
I’ve given up on him.
I “know” he has not given up on me,
But I need to feel rejected now.
I need to feel forgotten
Because I need to match these emotions.
And I’ve decided this is how.
I’m still searching for labels
Of these manic depressive moments.
I’m still pretending I caused this.
I’m still alone.
And I fear.
I’ll always be alone.
I want these words to hurt.
To crush others’ hearts
Just as much as these emotions have hurt me.
I’d go on.
I could write depressing words for ages,
But it’s getting as cold as my heart out here.
And I’m still pretending to be alive.
Thoughts on repeat.
But if patterns prove the same
It’s all just on me. :|
Depression and hope intertwined
As I try to define
Are these fireflies? :|
An unrelated voice triggers a thousand memories. :|
That name pops up and it’s a punch to my gut.:|
But then I’m wrapped up in the arms of what ifs and maybe nows :|
So long ago (it felt) that I wrote you were “the only one”
Then I read it, “ah.” I laughed, “youth” I thought. :|
My mind is now drawn back looking for something it never really found.
But I found myself. :|
Will I lose her if I go back to finding you? :|
If I go back to this unrequited love for you? :|
Will I lose myself if I go back to loving you? :|
|: Fuck. I never stopped loving you. :||
Written August 2018
Everything is so much colder when the stars are out.
But everything’s so much clearer.
Everything is so much darker when clouds cover the night sky.
But everything’s so much warmer.
Is there some version of better that we are always searching for?
There are always pros and cons. This or thats. Rights and wrongs.
The answers we search for controlling our lives.
The search. Controlling our lives.
Is there a perfect middle between the stars and clouds?
Is the search never ending?
Are we all in a never ending system of leveling up and down?
Is discovering this need to search enough to satisfy the need for searching?
I can’t find my footing
The ground underneath me is
Slipping, moving around, No solid ground
Other than a constant thought in my head
Telling me that I can’t
Find my footing
No solid ground
Constant thought in my head
Telling me I can’t
Written November 18 2018
shallow breaths taken
lack of words overtaken
by a desire to control
the darkness of soul
three dimensional pages
to fit in single dimensions
a mind of vast universe
numb to senses