June 7th 2019
Not a precipice, not a fork in the road.
I know where I am going is just the bridge and I think it is safe to cross
but the water under it brings fear
Will the bridge give way?
Will I fall forever?
Have my casual swim lessons prepared me to save my own life?
What if I am not supposed to do this alone?
What if this was never the plan of humanity…
What if I am able to feel safe and secure with the people I know?
What if I am allowed to be my true self regardless of rules?
What if “the plan” was for me to become fully me?
What is the journey I am on now leads me to something more beautiful than what others have planned for me?
The mind. Wrapping around itself.
The existence of being surrounded by being.
An ocean containing a river. Already underwater.
Who’s streams flow together and a passerby would not know where the river started and the ocean ended except that the ever present current would drag you in faster than you could begin to ask the question, “can I tell which water is more dangerous?”
The ocean. The mind.
Stuck in obedience to the rules self created.
New rules not yet rewritten in body or soul.
One would say to try again.
We could say it’s a forever failed plan.
To rewrite. To paint over the canvas, to delete the file,
to white wash the stained walls, to pack up and move on,
to be put in witness protection… from our trauma and past
to forget “the plan” by learning again.
Who we are.
Who we now realize we were always meant to be.
Written December 8th 2018 by Winter Burnett
Notifications? Ah. Just one. Good though.
Obsession? It’s not as bad as some though.
I’m not alcoholic. I don’t do drugs.
It’s not the same to OD on technology.
I have other problems. deeper.
This is just a symptom of something beyond my control.
Do any of us really have control?
Searching to recharge. It’s not as simple for me.
No universal plug. No standard volts.
I don’t just take electricity.
It’s hard work to rest.
It’s difficult to step back, stop, and breathe.
The things I need a break from are the things sustaining me.
An endless cycle of repetition.
Spirals down. Spirals within to myself.
A brief world of escape.
Did you like my photo?
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Showing the authentic self that I formed and that I like.
The quirky silly dramatic purple lipstick wearing person.
I don’t show you the crying in my car or alone walking my dog at night.
Pacing in my tiny room when I have too much energy.
The useless shit I buy because I need it in the moment.
The binge eating away the emotions I don’t want.
The hours I keep myself awake feeling sad.
The over sexualized thoughts that come whenever they feel like.
Shortness of breath like an asthma attack all invented by the anxieties of my head.
The days I literally put “get out of bed, leave room, use bathroom” as individual checks on my todo list.
It’s much too much to share.
Too dark of a secret to keep.
I share bits with some and bits with others.
I don’t exist as fully human to any one person.
I’m layers of fake personalities.
Layers of funny and sad stories.
Layers of certain emotions and circumstances.
And when I start to show the real me
And you leave.
You don’t even have to really leave.
You can still be there and still care.
You can still love me and hold my hand.
You can still be physically present in my life.
But there are days my anxieties take up all room inside my head.
The cloud of depression is less like a dense fog and more like volcano smoke and ash suffocating me.
Hypomania leaves no room for anyone but myself. I’m pretty awesome after all.
Here we are.
Scrolling as unhealthy obsession.
A coping mechanism.
All I have for sanity.
Covering the hole that would show what is really left of me.
Hint: I’m worn out and empty.