Thoughts on repeat. But if patterns prove the same It’s all just on me. :| Depression and hope intertwined As I try to define Are these fireflies? :| An unrelated voice triggers a thousand memories. :| That name pops up and it’s a punch to my gut.:| But then I’m wrapped up in the arms of what ifs and maybe nows :| So long ago (it felt) that I wrote you were “the only one” Then I read it, “ah.” I laughed, “youth” I thought. :| My mind is now drawn back looking for something it never really found. But I found myself. :| Will I lose her if I go back to finding you? :| If I go back to this unrequited love for you? :| Will I lose myself if I go back to loving you? :|
I built this wall.
Brick by brick.
“Yes, yes” I say. “Yes, I trust you.”
Trust is good, “Yes, I trust you”
Here is a brick.
Again? Why should I trust you!?
After what you did? After what you said?
See?! Here. Fine. Here is a brick of trust!
It becomes habit.
The wall grows higher.
The pain cuts deeper.
Then. It’s numb.
What is pain? Trust is pain. Pain is trust.
Trust is this stupid wall.
The wall that blocks me from the real you.
I say it’s trust, but now it’s self defense.
What should be a beautiful building?
A stupid wall.
“Walk around it!” you say.
“No” I reply. “I am trying to trust.”
But real trust is safety. Real trust is two sided.
Real trust builds a beautiful house.
Not an ugly wall.
So here I sit.
On my wall.
I want to see over it.
I want to see through it.
I want to see what you’ve become past my dusty wall.
But this “trust” built of bricks
blocks me from you
Under the pretense of helping.
Under the idea of giving you independence.
Under the thought you have a better plan.
Trust is two.
Trust is an invitation not a fear of rejection.
Trust is where you see the beautiful.
Trust is a hope for the morning.
Trust is a beautiful house. A beautiful home.
Trust is not sorrowful or lonely.
Trust is meant to be beautiful.
I can’t take down these bricks, but you can help me.
I can’t undo the words, but we can undo the wall.
Bricks can be used a second time.
So won’t you build with me?